Loving-Kindness Exercise
I found this exercise to be difficult. It wasn't difficult as the result of being an unloving individual, the difficulty is the result of being thrown into the role of being my husband's full-time caregiver more than that of his wife. The more I think about it, the more I realize that I have a lot of resentment over the way our lives have changed over the last four and a half years. This resentment has been bottled up until recently. While bottling up my resentment, a wall was unknowingly built, which is why this exercise was a difficult one for me. This wall is a wall of protection; however, it has made it difficult for me to feel anything that I used to for my husband. Because of this wall, I found it difficult to picture a person in my life that I love. Don't get me wrong, I love my husband; however, I am having a difficult time with feeling this love at this time in my life. As I said before, I feel more like a caregiver than a wife.
Before becoming my husband's full-time caregiver, I had been a loving individual who showed loving-kindness to everyone. If I were not already someone who opened my heart to others, my husband and I would not have started a homeless ministry a few years ago while still living in Columbus, Ohio. Our ministry lasted only a short time before moving to Florida; however, I can say that this time in our lives was the happiest and most fulfilling, since we focused on others needs over our own.
I am not going to give up on this exercise. I am going to continue to practice the technique in hopes that someday I will be able to break through the barrier (wall) so that I can experience what this exercise has to offer. I do see the potential to experiencing this exercise, which is why I would recommend it to others.
Debra
Hi Debra,
ReplyDeleteYour caring spirit is exempified in your blog. I can relate to your post. I watch both of my grandparents suffer strokes. My grandfather recovered and became the fulltime caregiver for my grandmother. I had to move away but when I go home. It's an outlet for him. He loves her but their lives has changed. She is more of a burden than a partner in their golden years.
Debra,
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry to hear about your struggle, but keep practicing. I think you need a vacation!! I can relate to your wall because I have one of those in my life, but it's about my boyfriend's past. There's somethings he has done that has hurt me and I can't forget about them. Whenever I get the bad thoughts I try to get them out of my head. It's crazy how strong our minds can be. Is there anyone you can hire to help you care for your husband?...Maybe to give you a break.
Lauren Reeves